Hope....is all that's left

I have been dreading this post all day....

My heart is very heavy as I type this, and the tears are just on the rim before falling into a
puddle already soaking my favorite sundress.

We got news from the Dr. yesterday that was not what I was expecting. The Dr. said the clomid isn't going to work for me. It's doing it's job by making me ovulate but it's causing negative estrogen effects at the same time. While my ovaries are producing an egg, my hormone levels aren't peaking as they should to thicken my endometrium, and my cervical mucus is not at the consistency it needs to be to allow the sperm to travel through it.

He gave me the name of a second drug that he said "seems logical" to try next, but he didn't have the confidence in his voice that I was looking for. He said we could try this drug with an IUI (intrauterine inception), but whether or not the egg would stick and grow is up to my body, and if my body isn't doing what it should be doing then the chances are slim (he did not say that last part).

This route is far to costly physically and financially (for us) to not be confident that it would work the first time. Therefore we aren't going to try anymore. I refuse to use the word "quit". I am not a quitter, and I certainly don't know how to do it in this situation. How do you "quit" wanting to be a mother when it's the one thing you've always wanted to be?

Don't get me wrong I could put us in a bind financially and spend every last cent of our money and put hundred's (if not thousands) of dollars on our credit card, but I just can't. This was supposed to be our answer; the clomid. Every single person that told me they took it got their little pink plus in the end. This was supposed to work. Yet again, I did not get the answer I wanted or expected.

Yesterday was a sad day. I went in at 7:45 for my follow up ultrasound at 8 to see if my egg had grown. When the technician told me it hadn't, I knew something was wrong. She went to show the Dr. my ultrasound pictures and when she came back she said "I'm going to put you in a room, the Dr. wants to talk to you." That's when my heart sank. I sent Adam a text message telling him that the egg had not grown and the Dr. wanted to talk to me, and he said "What's that mean?" I said, "I don't know" (even though I knew it wasn't good) that's when he said "You're fine, even if it's just me and you forever." (Have I mentioned how much I love him?)

I immediately started pushing back tears, and the panic mode that started creeping up the back of my neck thinking of what that meant. The glass half empty-me thinks, no christmas' with little babies running to see what's under the tree for them, no first days of kindergarten, no lazy Saturdays in pj's with a snugly little person in my lap watching cartoons, no looking for prom dresses or wedding dresses, no looking at engagement rings for their future bride, no crazy mornings throwing lunches into backpacks before running to catch the bus.....none of that. Just us. Until we are dead. Sounds so depressing and so harsh... so ugly. But I'd be lying if I said the first thing that comes to mind is my aspirations of being a world traveler for the rest of my days. It's so hard to be positive when something seems so definite. "If we do not do it this way, we will not have a baby" kind of definite.

Only by the grace of God I am not a glass half empty, kind of girl.

I can't rest in those ugly things that the human-me wants to believe. Hope has risen to the tip top of my heart, and it's the only thing that fills the empty void in my tummy. I am learning that even though I have to cry it out every time something plucks at my heart strings, it's OK. I refuse to believe that God's plan for our life is to be without children. The Lord has made me strong, and I know that because if He hadn't I probably wouldn't be going through this. So today is still a sad day, but I know that God has a plan for me and Adam. I don't know what that plan looks like yet and I can't see the forest for the trees just yet, but I'm ok with that. He will either reveal it to me, or He won't and I trust Him either way.

"Your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be."
Psalm 139:16