Learning how to "think" again

I had to write again today to appologize to those of you who read my blog yesterday. I re-read what I had written on my last post and was going to change it and fix some of the rambled thoughts and sentences that don't really make any sense, and the parts that are down right depressing, but then I decided not too.

I am feeling much much better today, so I know the people out there that are sending prayers up on my behalf are being heard. Yesterday the wound was still fresh and stinging and some of the things I wrote weren't very pretty and not very "me", but that's just how I felt; confused, hurt, mad, and disappointed.

I keep this blog for Adam and myself (even though I am most humbled by those of you who keep up with it. It truly means so much to me) so I just decided that yes it was ugly and sad, but it was also what my first Tuesday and Wednesday of April 2012 looked and felt like, so I'm not changing a single word of it.

I do want to write that yesterday the first song that I heard on the radio (love when the Lord uses music to speak to me) was "He Said" by Group 1 Crew. The song had just began when I got in the car and I heard these words...

So your life feels like it don't make sense
And you think to yourself, 'I'm a good person'
So why do these things keep happening?
Why you gotta deal with them?

You may be knocked down now
but don't forget what He said, He said,

I won't give you more, more than you can take
and I might let you bend, but I won't let you break
and No, I'll never ever let you go
Don't you forget what He said

At bible study last night we were studying in Matthew and we talked about how God gives us things to bear in our life but that His yoke is still easy and His burden, light. He wouldn't give us things that He knows we can't handle. I knew without a doubt that He was telling me that he created me to be strong, or else He wouldn't ask me to go through this. That I can get through this, with Him. That lesson and discussion gave me so much encouragement. In the same hour with all of those precious lady's in bible study(that I've grown to love so much), some of them shared that a 3 yr. old little girl that we've been praying for, had passed away, and also about one of the ladies in our group that lost her house in a fire a couple of weeks ago just had the brakes go out in her car yesterday and has also been in the hospital with one of her girls... all of those things really put things in perspective for me.

I am well, our house is standing, our vehicles are running, I have food in my belly, I am not saying goodbye to my 3 year old daughter, I am not saying goodbye to my husband, he is well and strong, I can pay my bills, I can work, I can walk, I can breathe, I woke up this morning....  

Life can be hard...so hard. But I've had hard times before in life and when I thought I'd never get through it, I always did.

I'm trying to embrace each day with open ears and open eyes, waiting to hear from the man that went to the cross for my messed up little life, and trying to to figure out how to "think" again.

Every thought for over 12 months has been consumed with names, nursery decor, photo ideas, birthday party ideas, what I want to take to the hospital for my nurses when I deliver, what I want to wear when I leave the hospital, what I want to cook ahead of time and freeze so that Adam still has a yummy meal to eat when I can't cook, fun ways to announce our pregnancy to friends and family, cute baby announcements, the list goes on. I think that's why it's been so painful, just thinking that there is a chance I may never get to experience any of those things just hurts so much. But, God is good all the time.

I am going to be just fine and I'm sorry I have drug you all along for this emotional roller coaster. For those of you praying for us, thank you so much. I will never know how to tell you in adequate words what those prayers, texts, cards, and sweet gifts have meant to me and Adam.
I have truly been blessed with many friends and family in my life.

Matthew 7:7-11
7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.8 For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.

9 "Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone?10 Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake?11 If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!