Important Lessons...

Life has been good the past few weeks. Mother's day was rough, but other than that I am focusing on all of the other blessings in my life, and learning to choose eternal joy every single day.

This was a draft I came across from last year...I loved reading it again and being reminded of these events. I can't believe it's been a year since I wrote that. I'm not sure why I left it as a draft but I'm publishing it now.

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Since I have stopped taking my birth control pill my cycles have been off.  As much as I didn't want to think about everything that's supposed to be happening in order to conceive, it's been easier said than done. So when Auntie Flo didn't come on schedule this month I knew that something was up and I knew that I wasn't already pregnant. So I started getting discouraged at a fast pace.
It's soooo frustrating to know that I play one of the biggest roles in getting pregnant, so if all the things aren't happening as they should I feel like I'm broken or something.


However, our prayer has been from the start that everything would take place as the Lord would have it to. No matter what that meant. I was actually OK and didn't feel rushed until I went for my annual appointment with Dr. Bell. Adam has been so quiet about the whole baby thing until after that appointment I called him to let him know I would be at church that night and the first thing he asked me was "are we pregnant?". I laughed and said "not that I know of." and he said, "would the Dr. be able to tell if you were?" I continued to answer his questions but at the same time I was getting SUPER excited that he was even asking questions like that. It meant SO much to me that we finally felt like we were on the same page and that he was expressing his feelings about a baby. {my love language is DEFINITELY communication, I LOVE to hear what is going on in his head and how things make him feel} As his wife I spend most of my time trying to figure out what he wants and be able to give him those things as soon as I get the chance to. So when he was expressing to me his excitement about getting pregnant, I definitely started feeling the urge to make it happen asap.


That all happened on Wednesday, May 4, 2011. 

backing up a little bit {all these things all tie together in my mind, hope they make sense}


For several weeks before the 4th, my reading and the messages at church have all referred to the story of Moses and his mother Jochebed. And other ladies blogs that I read have all been referring to seasons of nothing, seasons of dry desolate feeling places.

Saturday May 7, 2011- Adam and I were riding the four wheeler checking the cows. We were driving through some trees and the opening in the brush that we took didn't make sense to me, because right beside it there had been a perfect little hole of an opening that we would have fit right through on the four wheeler. But instead he took a larger opening to the side of the hole that was messier and not as "picture perfect".

In that very moment when we didn't take the opening I thought we would take, the Lord spoke to me in my heart and I felt him showing me through that odd random moment in the woods; that sometimes we choose a path for ourselves that seems so perfect at that time and our eyes are so fixed on that path that when He takes us down another road it catches us off guard a little and sometimes confuses us and makes us ask "Why did that happen God? Why couldn't we just stay on that road and have exactly what we want now?"

I'm learning it's because (just like His word tells us) His plans are far greater than any "ideas" we might have for ourselves. It's funny to me how he shows us things when our eyes and hearts are open to what he's trying to tell us. Anyway, that just made a lot of sense to me.


Last night when I was driving home listening to "We're Waiting Here", I had an incredible worship experience just me and my Jesus.


I talked to Him about what I learned from Him in the woods that day and how I knew that He had shown me that for a reason. I told Him that I was scared that He had shown me all the stories of women that struggled with infertility and all the women that have lost new babies that are grieving, for a reason.


Then I told Him that even if He did show me those women for a reason that I still trust Him. I trust Him with every desire in my heart and I know that He wants to give me those desires as long as I trust in Him to do that.


As I was talking to him through tears and song I started cramping. Now I know that doesn't sound like the pretty ending to that story, but I don't think I have ever felt like He was sitting right there in the truck with me -in the passenger seat- listening to every word that came out of my mouth. Feeling that pain in my abdomen was like hearing Him say "Finally....you understand". I was so overwhelmed with emotion. It was the most intimate moment I have ever felt in my relationship with Jesus.


Now I know it's not a baby yet or anything but that gave me so much hope in knowing He hears me when I call out to Him. And I know that in His timing He will indeed bless us with a child.


This will probably make me laugh later on because we haven't even been trying for very long. But I love knowing that when/if times do get tough I can read this and remember He was with me in that truck last night as He is everyday and all I have to do it call out to Him.