Fear

I was looking back over my posts and found this draft that I wrote in April of 2011.
I have decided to go ahead and publish it today.

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I don't know if I'll ever post this.

It seems like when you make a decision about one thing in particular there always seems to be some story/stories that come up that make you think twice about you decision.

Since we have started trying for a baby it seems like I have heard/read more stories about families that are either having a wonderful experience with their pregnancy/new baby or they have just lost/miscarried or are infertile.

I think that every woman that longs for a child keeps the "what-ifs" in the back of her mind.

I personally cannot even begin to imagine bringing home a new sweet baby just to say goodbye too soon. Or just have the issue of not having any hope of ever conceiving at all.

I think I have always been so afraid of getting pregnant at a bad time (or what I think is a bad time) in life, that getting pregnant seems so easy in my mind. So easy that I'll think something is wrong if we don't get pregnant right away....

See, these are the things I don't want to worry about.

So I've started praying specifically that whatever happens the Lord will help me to see His plan in everything. To gain strength and trust in Him no matter what.

I know that is probably easier said than done but I hope that in the case that something does go askew, I can look back at this and remember I prayed to God for HIS will and not my own.

I don't want to sound like I am planning for the worst, because I am not. I want the very best for my family just like any other wife/mother. I guess writing it all down is just the best way (after praying) that I know of, in dealing with this fear.

Lord Jesus,

I just want to come to you right now in this very moment where I am, with this fear, and lay it at your feet.

You have brought me through so many circumstances in this life that there is no other option but to trust in you, and you alone.

You know what my heart desires as a woman and as a wife, and I am trusting that whatever you have in store for my life is better than any desire I could ever dream up.

I love you more than I know how to tell you.

I thank you for the person that I am, and the person that I am becoming a little more everyday because of you and your love for me.

I pray that if you do give me the opportunity to be a mother, that I will make you proud. That I will raise my child/children up in a way that you would have me to. That I will teach them above all else to be a servant for your kingdom, and that they will seek your will in their lives in everything they do.

That they will live their lives to bring others to you.

You know my heart Lord and you know that I want nothing more than your will for my life.

Just give me the strength to see the bigger picture in whatever comes.

In Jesus name

Amen