5 Years Ago Today

*This is a very personal post. I only write it because I would like to have it recorded. It's not pretty, it is sad, and pretty long.  

I almost decided not to write anything today but I'll go ahead. Maybe later I can come back and write about all of his achievements, but for today I'll just write about what's on my mind...

Five years ago today my Papa died. I won't write about what an incredible person he was because I don't feel like I could do a good enough job.

He was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease and Alzheimer's 10 years before he passed, maybe a little more. So I was about 9 or 10 when he was officially diagnosed. Parkinson's is such an awful disease in itself. But seeing such a big, strong, healthy man turn into a weak, scrawny, sickly, little body is absolutely devastating. He went from being the definition of "10 feet tall and bullet proof" to "one small gust of wind and you'll blow away".

It's not a very fast progressing disease obviously ten years is a long time, but it's something horror movies are made of to know what you are turning into and having so much time to know and dread that it's coming. In fact I don't remember noticing very many changes until the last few years of his life.

My earliest memory of what he went through is he and my mom crying in the kitchen because of the problems he and my nanny were having in their marriage due to the effects of Parkinson's. Of course I didn't know then what that meant. All I can remember of that conversation is how weak and useless of a man he felt like to his wife. Then time passed, he was retired and did a lot at the farm with his cows and his beloved poodle dog(haha).

I think I was in my last couple of years of Jr. high when the bad things started happening in his mind. (remember all these things happened over the course of years, not days or weeks) 

He would have flashbacks of Vietnam and other things he'd seen in war. That's when we had to take all of his guns and ammunition out of the house. Then he started losing his ability to operate machinery (which meant his tractor, and his pickup) after a couple of really bad accidents.

The first one was on the garrison ave. bridge. He ran into the side wall and his dog flew out of the window, she didn't make it. He got another one a little later on, his name was "Jake".

The next bad accident was at the McDonald's in town. He'd forgotten to put the pickup into park and drove it into the big glass side of the restaurant. That was aabsolutely humiliating to him. He taught men how to fly helicopter's for the army and now he couldn't even drive his truck? I know that's what he had to be thinking. Taking the keys away from him was probably one of the hardest things my Nanny has ever done in her entire life.

Later on after that he started having trouble getting up and around on his own and getting to the bathroom quick enough etc. and Nanny just couldn't get him up on her own anymore. After many doctor's visits, change of medicine's, trips to the psychiatrist, she had to make the heartbreaking decision to put him in a nursing home.

He was still very much in his right mind to know we were moving him out of the house he built and loved, so that felt like putting him in a coffin early. Nanny went to see him as much as she could, which was normally every day. I, on the other hand found lots of reasons not to go, and of course you can imagine my regret.

He and I were very close. You can ask anyone in my family and a lot of my childhood friends who I loved the most and they would tell you "she is her papa's girl". I can't go into who he was to me, today. Tired of all the tears for now. But I can tell you no one could ever replace him, and no matter how much time passes it never ever gets easier to know that I won't see him again until I leave this place.

He made it to my Graduation in May of 2006, he got to sit on the football field in his wheel chair and his best blue jeans, button down western and his Velcro shoes. (ha! thinking about that outfit still makes me smile) My high school education was so important to him, so I'm so glad he got to see me receive my diploma.

We shared a couple of really good visits when I would go to take him a vanilla ice cream cone and catch him up on my life and what was happening. We shared lots of quiet sad visits when he just wanted to go home and didn't have much else to say.

My very last time to see him I wasted the whole visit being on my cell phone arguing with a boyfriend. I don't remember anything about that last visit with him except kissing him on the cheek and saying goodbye. I wish there had been more to that goodbye than that.

My nanny said that when she would visit him he would always sit in his chair at the door with a sad look on his face and watch her leave after begging her to let him come home. She said her last visit with him was different than all the others. She hadn't been feeling very good and she said that he told her that everything was going to be OK, and when she left he waved bye to her and wheeled back down the hall.

On October 5, 2006 (the following day) she decided to stay home and catch up on her rest and strength instead of going for a visit. That evening the nurse hadn't stayed in his room while he was eating dinner and he choked (choking is very common in someone with Parkinson's, as difficulty swallowing is a side effect). They were unable to resuscitate him.

I was with Adam when I got the phone call that evening.

I'm so thankful Adam got to meet him once before he passed away. Papa seemed to really like him a lot in the short visit he had with him.

I guess that's really all. I miss him so much. I wish he had lived so much longer and that he was still around. But I wouldn't take him back the way he was for anything. He has been made whole and God's plan for his life has been fullfilled.

I can't wait to see him again.